


No One Deserves Sad Porn for Christmas

by MsCaptainWinchester (rons_pigwidgeon)



Series: 25 Days of Spideypool Christmas 2020 [16]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, Porn, Santa Kink, Screen Reader Friendly, Sex Tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:21:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28145271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rons_pigwidgeon/pseuds/MsCaptainWinchester
Summary: When Wade finds Peter watching sad Christmas porn, he becomes determined to show him a more authentic experience, even if it means he has to drag a life-sized Santa's sleigh into his apartment.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: 25 Days of Spideypool Christmas 2020 [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025320
Comments: 5
Kudos: 110





	No One Deserves Sad Porn for Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Written to fill an anonymous prompt sent to my tumblr ask box. Original prompt: "Spideypool. I caught you watching cheesy, embarrassing Christmas themed porn and you didn't even have a boner, just a horrified and fascinated face, and now I'm determined to show you how Christmas themed sex ought to be like."
> 
> If you're thinking to yourself, huh, that porn sure did wrap up quick, you would not be wrong. This bitch had exactly 3 hours to write today before she turned into a pumpkin and this fic would. not. end. quickly. I hope it's still good, even if the porn is blink-and-you-miss-it quick! Tomorrow will be better, I promise.

Unenthusiastic porn moaning was the saddest kind of moaning, and Wade had the death rattle as a ring tone. When he looked through PeteyPie's bedroom window, he caught sight of a bored-looking twink getting plowed by a dick he clearly wasn't into on Peter’s duct taped computer. And by the looks of Petey's floppy friend, Petey wasn't into it either. Why was he wasting his time on mediocre porn when Wade was right there, ready to give him the deep Double D?

So, maybe Petey didn’t know he was there. That was Not The Point.

Wade gave the video a closer look, took note of the twink's elf ears and green felt collar, the Santa hat and shiny black boots the top sported. Copyright-free Christmas music played in the background. Maybe baby boy was trying to get into the spirit of the season? If that was the case, Wade could do way better than this garbage. He took one last look at his sweet sad boy and launched himself off the fire escape down the ten flights to the open dumpster. Above him a cry of surprise rang through the sky.

* * *

The front door opened to a clearly confused Peter holding the reindeer antlers in one hand and Wade’s not in the other. He blinked when he took in the holiday décor, stepping into the kitchen warily. “You cleaned your apartment,” he said. “And… decorated. I didn’t even know you owned Christmas decorations except for that inflatable tree you popped trying to hang ornaments on last year.”

Wade spread his arms out to encompass the Winter Wonderland he had crafted with a grin. “All for you, baby boy. Put those antlers on, and I’ll let you take a ride on my sleigh.”

Peter closed the door slowly, eyes trained on Wade in his Santa suit and the authentic Santa sleigh he was sitting on. “Is everything okay? This seems… extreme.”

“Go big or go home, baby! A little birdie told me you were looking for some holiday-themed loving, and I thought it was my duty to assist you.”

“Holiday-themed… I’m so confused.” Peter collapsed onto the couch in a cloud of fake snow and put his head in his hands.

Wade got up from the sleigh and walked over to him, taking the antlers out of his hand and sliding it on top of his head. “It’s simple. I stopped by your place the other day for some light stalking and found you watching the most pathetic holiday-themed porn I’ve ever seen and decided we could do better.”

“So you turned your living room into a porn set?” Peter asked, looking up at him through his hands, adorably confused in the antlers. “How’d you even get the sleigh in here?”

“The Magic of Christmas,” Wade told him, wiggling his fingers in front of him in a mystical gesture that put a tiny smile on Peter’s lips. “Gotta say, I thought you’d be more into this than you are.”

Peter looked at him for a long while without saying anything, but Wade could see the cogs winding in his head, so he let him be and got comfortable in his sleigh again. After a while, Peter picked up the red nose Wade had left for him on the coffee table and twisted it in his fingers. “Is there a camera?”

Wade plumped right up, licking his lips thinking about it. “Do you want there to be a camera?”

Peter kept twisting the nose between his fingers, eyes trained on the glowing red light inside. “Do you have that horse mask you wore two Halloweens ago?”

“Sugar Cookie, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Wade was on the edge of his seat now and not even a little bit soft. Fuck, were they really going to do this? For real for real?

“Do you have the mask?”

Wade got up with the single-minded determination of a man about to make the best porn ever filmed with his best guy and dug through the walk-in until he found the mask and brought it out into the living room and dropped it in Peter’s lap.

Peter picked it up slowly and turned it in his hands, looking it over, considering. He got up, went over to the sink, and picked up the scrub brush. He cleaned the mask without speaking, scrubbing an area, then bringing it up to his face to examine, rinsing it, and repeating. The anticipation of it all was setting Wade’s brain buzzing. When he finished, he looked up at Wade with a frown. “Aren’t you going to get the camera ready?”

“Fuck yes I’m gonna get the camera ready,” Wade said, turning back to the bedroom to get his equipment. He usually used the cameras for something very different, so he had to wipe them down before he could bring them out for Petey’s eyes. Peter was sitting on the bench of the sleigh when he returned, in nothing but the horse mask with antler headband propped up in front of the ears. Wade’s eyes narrowed in on his hand slowly stroking his cock, and Wade went into a cold sweat of anticipation. Fuck, they were really doing this. Would Petey let him put it on Pornhub? He could already imagine the comments.

Peter watched him set up the cameras in three different angles—always need options—and checked the angles until he was happy with the coverage. He hit record on each, and the sleigh and Peter on it came into frame, surrounded by fake snow and looking like a real porn set. “Baby, you gotta let me post this when we’re done. It looks professional, and you look so good Mitch McConnell would try to block your confirmation.”

Peter stared at him with the dead plastic horse eyes for a long beat. Wade winced. “That was bad, wasn’t it?”

“Terrible. I actually might need to leave now. I don’t know if I can fuck you after that disaster. Feels like punching down.” Peter started to get up, huffing a laugh when Wade rushed him and pinned him to the sleigh bench.

“No, no, I can do better, I swear!” he protested, pleading with his eyes as much as his words.

Peter settled back on the bench with a smug air. “Prove it.”

“You look so hot, Donna Summer wrote a song about you.”

Peter took a beat, then asked, “Who?” There was a smirk in his tone that was pure fucking evil.

Wade recoiled as if he’d been punched. “How. Dare. You.”

Peter just stretched back as if bored. “Sorry, gonna have to try harder,” he said, bringing his knee up to rub against the bulge in Wade’s pants.

“Oh, we’re playing that game, are we?” Wade took hold of Peter’s wrists and pushed them against the back cushion and knelt between his spread legs. Peter stretched like a self-satisfied cat and looked up at him, his horse snout bumping Wade in the chin. Wade wanted to turn him over and spank his ass purple for the cheek. “You’re being a very cheek reindeer, Rudolf. Maybe you should bend over and show Santa just how cheeky you can be.”

Peter snorted, but let Wade coax him into bending over facing the camera with his ass at the perfect height for Wade to stuff his face in it. Wade resisted the urge, running his hands over the soft, perfectly sculpted globes instead with an appreciative noise. “You like them, Santa?” Peter asked in a feather-soft high voice that shot right down Wade’s spine.

Wade smacked his left cheek softly, enjoying the bonce. “Looks good enough to eat, Rudy,” he said, dipping his head down to lick a strip up the center of them. Peter hummed his approval, pushing his ass back against Wade’s mouth. Wade pulled his cheeks apart and spat at his tight hole, spreading it around with his tongue. It wasn’t long before he was upgrading to a finger, then two. He brought lube in around finger three, Peter a whining mess by then. He dropped his head over his hands propped up on the front railing, no longer interested in sassing Wade.

Wade pulled back when he was satisfied and grabbed the hand-held, looking for a close-up of his favorite part. The slow slide in was a wonder to witness, Peter’s folds struggling to stretch wide enough, the subtle tremble of his ass as every inch of bumpy, textured inch of Wade’s foreskin hit him just right. He shuddered against Wade when their hips finally met, whining into his arms.

“I can’t wait for you to see how good you take my cock, baby.”

Peter pushed back against him. “There’s nothing for me to see if you don’t fuck me,” he complained, rocking forward an inch before pushing back onto Wade again. Wade took hold of his hip to guide him, starting slow to get a good view of the mesmerizing sight of Peter taking him oh so good. Peter gripped the railing in solid hands and pushed back against him, growing impatient.

Wade dropped the camera onto the bench and gripped him tighter, slamming in hard enough to make Peter yelp. “You wanna go? Let’s go, Rudolph! Mush!”

Peter struggled to reply, but Wade fucked him too hard to let him form full sentences and he melted against the rail again like a boneless ragdoll and let Wade pound him into oblivion.

By the time Peter was spraying the underside of the slay with his cum, he was a mess of gelatin muscles and weak sobs. Wade fucked him through it with a vicious smile and bit his shoulder. “Mock my jokes, and you get fucked nonverbal.”

“Doesn’t— Sound— Like— A— Deterant—” Peter panted, pushing against him even as he was still shaking from coming so hard. He squeezed down on Wade’s dick and sent him over the edge with stars in his vision. Wade pulled out slowly, grabbing the hand-held again to get a good view of the slow trickle of cum that slid out of Peter’s hole along with his dick.

“There’s the frosty coating,” he murmured, grinning down at the viewfinder. Peter arched his back and pushed more cum out. Wade filmed every second of it with a greedy grin.

Peter stretched like a cat and stood up, stretching his arms high over his head with a happy sigh. “Okay, you made up for that terrible come-on. Turn the cameras off and meet me in the shower?”

“Or I could bring the GoPro in for round two?” Wade asked hopefully.

Peter shook his head, the horse snout wobbling awkwardly. “If I don’t get this thing off, it’s going to meld to my skin. Hurry up?” He bussed Wade’s cheek through the rubber and stepped off the sleigh and walked to the bathroom without another glance. The water turned on a moment later, and Wade looked around at the cameras in the quiet left over, wondering if he’d just dreamed the whole thing.

“Did I do a better job than your said porn?” he yelled down the hall. Peter shouted back a water-muffled What?, clearly already checked out from the scene. Wade went around turning the cameras off and trotted after him, still buzzing with a job well-done.

When he showed Peter the footage in bed after their shower, Peter curled up against him with a warm flush. _Totally worth it._

**Author's Note:**

> I do not consent to my stories being listed on Goodreads or other book platforms.
> 
> If you want writing updates from me, you can follow me on Twitter [@RonsPigwidgeon](https://twitter.com/RonsPigwidgeon), [Tumblr](https://mscaptainwinchester.tumblr.com/), [NewTumbl](https://mscaptainwinchester.newtumbl.com/), or [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/MsCaptainWinchester).
> 
> And if you'd like to come yell about my main ship, Spideypool, with me, join the 18+ Discord server I co-mod, [Isn't It Bromantic](https://discord.gg/w6UyAn7)!


End file.
